February 12, 2017, Sunday

“This is what I fear.

We are three weeks out now and the difference in him is imperceptible to some, but his personality is indeed different. There are glimpses of his old self. He’s made so much progress with the energy therapy that I have hope now that it will all come back for us.

But in the back of my mind I think, ‘Wow, five years. That’s all I got. I spent 23 years with a fricking narcissist and only get 5 years with the love of my life.’ What if I don’t fall in love with the new guy? I’m 52 he’s 66. We both could have very long life yet ahead.”

I wrote that in one of the support groups today. I wrote it out loud. Its something I’ve been not letting myself think much less let out, but there it is. And now it’s here.

It’s true. Stroke’s aren’t fair, but for that matter Life isn’t fair. It was never supposed to be fair. That’s some ridiculous notion set in play in childhood…’we must be fair’. I like fair as much as the next person and I attempt to be fair in all my interactions, but fair is not guaranteed. The best we can hope for is balanced.

Everyone has something going on right now. No one is without a struggle. Not that I’ve found anyway. So, in many ways, things ARE fair or balanced, right? But it doesn’t feel that way and when I allow it, it can make me feel like a two year old who doesn’t understand ‘no’.

I don’t get it. I really don’t. It isn’t fair. Chris and I haven’t had enough time together. We are still getting to know each other. We still have things to explore and now its changed. Its a parallel Universe we have re-entered into and I wasn’t finished with the first one.

It’s not fair. It’s Life.

When would have been a good time for the stroke? Further down the line? When he is 80 and I am 66? When we are in the midst of grandchildren and retirement? Would that feel fair? Not likely.

The stroke was a message and if we are smart we will listen.

An ischemic stroke is caused by a blockage. So what blockage does Chris have? That is his story to tell, should he ever choose to. He and I have discussed it. We are opening up those blockages to prevent further ischemic strokes and allow chi energy (life force aka ‘blood’) to flow smoothly and freely.

This I will share with you. The brain is command central. The brain stem (where Chris’s stroke happened) is the epicenter of command central. This means the message is that the blockage is all in his head. It is in the very core of his thinking. Something he has overlooked before. We’ve explored it and will continue to explore it.

Here’s what I’ve learned from all this.

Control, like fairness, is an illusion. It’s nice. It’s optimal. What it is not, is guaranteed. We are only in control as long as we are in control and what we are in control of is everything and nothing all at once.

Let me explain that…

“We are only in control as long as we are in control…”

We are only in control of what we think, but when our ability to think is impaired where does our control go? Who’s in control then? The answer is as individual as we are.

For me, I think when our mind goes, our higher selves are still in control. Thus, for me this is true. (For another, this might be that God is in control.) So, for the first part “we are only in control as long as we are in control” means I have confidence that part of me is always in control of whatever is happening. This empowers me. I know, always, on some level that I have input in what is going on and what is going to happen in the future. I know that my higher self will prevail.

“…and what we are in control of is everything and nothing all at once.”

This part is trickier.

With my tiny human brain, in my tiny human physical form I can command my experience. I can choose to react or respond. I can choose to zig or zag. I can choose to love or to fear.

What my earth generated organism (ego) cannot command is the overall picture I set in motion prior to my birth. However, since I did choose it I suppose that means I do actually have control over it, right? Actually the most control there is.

Oy, this makes even my brain hurt.

So, what is the point?

We are in control.

We are in control of how we respond to any situation. We can believe that our higher selves are in control. We can believe that our Higher Power is in control. We are in control of what we believe. We are in control of whether we believe ourselves as a victim or a warrior. We are in control of whether we believe that everything is a miracle or nothing is.

In fact, we are in control whether we believe it or not.

And I’ll just leave that right there.

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