February 1, 2017 Wednesday
Today he scheduled a rather light day, meeting with the people from Lowe’s for a new job. I am presenting as his assistant today as he didn’t want to announce that he’s recently had a stroke.
Seeing him in action today I could see his deficits, but no one else could. His deficits are not deficits in general, but deficits from his 110%. He is just as thorough as ever, knowledgable and detail oriented.
The house, itself, was of great interest to me. It was similar to the home I grew up in, in DesPlaines, IL. While Chris and Christine from Lowe’s, went over the plans in the bathroom, I went over the house with the homeowner. His mom had done her best to preserve the 1960’s mural in their kitchen. He told me how she painstakingly painted white the parts that had turned brown. I shared the differences in the floor plan and what great memories I have of that home. I listened to his decision-making on why he was going to sell rather than rehab the home and his concern that someone would buy it only to bulldoze it.
Building relationships is something I’m good at. By the time we left, I had him feeling comfortable with Chris as the contractor and he asked me to pick the paint color of the bathroom…which really upset Christine from Lowe’s. lol
Normally we would’ve stopped to eat by this time because we were so hungry, but fatigue and finances directed us to head home. I made some lunch and after we ate both of us needed a nap.
I continue the energy healing daily. Not a day goes by that I don’t put my intention for Chris to be ‘whole and healed’ into the Universe. It was the easiest way to keep my mind from going negative. Worry is a habit. Its a habit, like biting your nails. Focusing on Chris being ‘whole and healed’ rather than focusing on certain aspects being repaired, had a different feel for me. It was empowering. I always dedicate the moments before sleep to this energy healing. I also do this whenever I feel worry coming on.
I think worry comes into play because we feel powerless. But with energy healing you are never powerless. Never. So anytime I feel worry about my beloved’s impairments I turn that around and I take my power….my energy…and put it towards him being whole and healed.
It’s working. His recovery has been miraculous. No one in the medical community can explain it. The doctors call it ‘luck’ but I don’t believe in luck. I believe in the body’s ability to heal itself.
Everything, including your thoughts, have vibrations and the higher the vibrations the more healing occurs. The lower the vibrations the more illness prevails. So, worry = lower vibration; energy healing = higher vibration.
Towards the end of the day, even when he naps, Chris’s impairments show themselves. In his speech, in his gait, in his emotional state and in his cognitive processes. This is his stroke. It is not Chris I have to remember that. Often during these times, Chris makes absurd statements. Outlandish declarations of something he is going to do, or ridiculous proclamations of what he needs to get done. If I don’t stop him, he will very easily pursue it. So, I can’t just deflect him. I have to make it clear that it isn’t something he’s ready to pursue.
We were talking about work and he was talking about driving. No way. No freaking way. So, we talked a bit about how he isn’t ready to drive yet and that I’ll continue to drive him until maybe Andrew can start to pick him up. He didn’t say anything at the moment, but I know it weighed on him.
There’s the other side of the stroke also. The kind when he tells me he has to go back to work to make money so he can take care of me. Take care of me.
It brings tears to my eyes.
Because since I met him, that’s been Chris’s joy. Taking care of me, because I’ve been the one who takes care of everyone else. It took me awhile even before I allowed him to really take care of me without feeling guilty. I had just started getting used to it.
Now he can hardly take care of himself and he’s worried about taking care of me. I love this man so much. I just wish he’d be more cautious. He pushes too hard. He eats too fast and chokes. He doesn’t do his hand therapy.
He says, “Don’t be mean to me.”
Slices right through my heart.
“How am I mean, Chris?”
“You tell me I can’t do things.”
I love Chris. I do not love his stroke. This is his stroke talking, but it doesn’t help me in the moment. In the moment my heart is broken. I have done nothing but have his best interests at heart since the stroke happened. I have been on top of everything and compensated for his deficits filling wherever I can.
I have to protect him from himself.
My beloved called me mean.
How do you come back from this?