January 31, 2017 Tuesday. On Tuesdays, Andrew, Chris’s associate, has class most of the day so Chris felt he needed to be on the job site. So began day two of my new profession as chauffeur/assistant. I packed up my computer and planner so I could work from some corner of the project house and off we went to work!
It was tile work. Tile work. Cutting tile. With a saw. A diamond blade saw. For those of you who have never seen one, its as scary as it sounds. Its a power saw. On a good day, with one slip you could cut off fingers. He was sincere that he would be careful. I wanted to watch him, knowing that I really couldn’t prevent anything by standing there, but standing there anyway.
Each time he successfully used the saw to cut a piece of tile both scared and reassured me. I couldn’t feel better about his using the saw on his own until I saw him do it successfully, but to do that I had to watch him with the ‘potential’ for him to be harmed. Here I was on the precipice with every single tile. I couldn’t see him be successful without allowing the possibility of seeing him fail…but failure could be maiming. Ugh.
He did fine. For being aptly named “Mr. Rushypants” (and have that catch on at Rehab) he was VERY careful with the saw. He treated it with great respect, so my confidence in his ability grew. I felt comfortable enough, after watching several passes, to find that quiet corner where I could get a little writing done and leave him on his own.
I was getting into the groove when he wrapped things up. He gets tired easily which disappoints and frustrates him. Understandable to me, not so much to him. We ended early.
He slept when we got home and as I scrolled through social media the anger -unnoticed at first- began to seep. Seep in. Seep up. And seep out.
I stay out of politics, for the most part, because I think it is a shit show. People actually having opinions – strong opinions – about absolutely nothing. Nothing, I say because no matter what side you are, or aren’t on, your ‘opinions’ are not based on the truth. FACTS are not the truth. Facts, like numbers, can be manipulated to prove or disprove anyone’s point. But people toss them about like they are truth and I get SO annoyed.
I get more annoyed with incongruence. Those people who are so free about pointing fingers at the shadiness of ‘the other side’ and completely conveniently forgetting their own past behavior of doing the exact same thing. If you are going to make a spectacle of yourself throwing stones, then by GOD make sure you are not being hypocritical! Make sure your own shit doesn’t stink before you point out how bad someone else’s smells.
I just couldn’t take it anymore and I lost it.
It wasn’t cool. I was ‘right.’ I had the ‘facts.’ But it wasn’t my truth. My truth isn’t like that. My truth is to let other’s have their ignorance. Unless I am asked, I do not correct fallacy and misunderstanding. I might, make a passing comment, but if it goes unnoticed I allow it to remain so. I do not…I repeat…I do NOT rip people new ones on social media.
Except for today.
Today, it seems, anger is a thing. Funny thing is that when I wrote that on my Facebook wall, everyone assumed it was Chris’s anger I was referring to.
I’m angry. I’m angry that someone I believe has an unstable personality disorder is representing my country to the world. I am angry that when I have worked so hard to bring people together, people are more divided than ever. I am angry that anger seems to be the go to emotion for everyone.
I’m angry because building walls we can’t afford, turning on each other and undoing for the sake of undoing is bullshit and when you are going through the absolute worst time in your life, the idea that people give bullshit merit is aggravating at best. I’m angry because when I was looking for a pleasant distraction all I saw was disconnect and my friends falling into a trap of it.
I’m angry there is no one here for me to crumple upon.
I’m angry that the rock I build my house upon is shaking beneath my feet. I’m angry that friends do not seem to be here for me the way I perceive I have been there for them. I’m angry that my best friend, the love of my life, is asleep now because his brain is rewiring. I’m angry because I don’t know when we will be paid next. I’m angry because my best friend isn’t the same person as two weeks ago. I’m angry because it will be my birthday in a few days. I’m angry because I don’t know where to turn for medical assistance with no insurance. I’m angry that I’m so overwhelmed that I’m paralyzed. I’m so angry that I have to make so many decisions, that I can’t make any.
I’m angry because I feel absolutely alone, scared and tired, and the one person I turn to is the reason for all of it.
I’m angry that just two weeks ago I had the perfect life partner.
Five years. We met just five years ago. It took me to age 47 to find the perfect partner for me and right in the middle of the damn dance, my perfect partner got switched out…
Yes, anger is a thing.