It is one year today that our new life was thrust upon us.
I guess it says something that I haven’t had stroke as the forefront resident in my life for more than six months, as evidenced by my last of posting. Indeed, other normal things have taken their rightful place and the stroke got stuffed more to the back burner where it belongs.
I know fully that this not necessarily the case with strokes. I know that in the realm of the ‘unlucky’ we are indeed ‘lucky’. But just because my world didn’t cave in a year ago …doesn’t mean it didn’t change.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t having some sort of anxiety about today. As if some date on the calendar was the magickal instigator of this upheaval and not the myriad of contributing health factors and practices!
To top it off, he had extensive oral surgery last night and that is only adding to all the PTSD anxiety.
When I attack it logically, I understand that at no minute am I in control of what will happen. Just like I wasn’t in control that morning when out of the blue on the way out of the shower his left side went non-responsive.
But that’s what PTSD tries to do…get me to think I can control things, but that I didn’t. BULLSHIT!
At any moment things can and do go wrong. Nine times out of ten they are not earth shattering/life changing. I am not going to let the ONE out of ten run my life – not now, not ever.
The difficult part about Chris’ success in rehabilitation is that he made it look easy. To look and talk to him you’d never know he’d ever had a stroke. To live with him, you don’t see all the damage he feels. Its almost as if it never happened…but it did and there are scars to prove it.
One of the things most affected is his processing and emotions. He gets easily frustrated (especially with new info) and can’t always find the right way to express himself. This comes off as ‘crotchety’ to put it politely. I hate having to always explain that. It helps, so I’m happy, but in the moment I feel like I’m acting like his mother and not his wife. I hope he doesn’t see it that way.
I never ever want him to feel like that.
He seems relieved when I do it, if he doesn’t think of it, so I take that as affirmation. Explaining to others that can’t see, that what they are seeing by way of behavior is nothing more than a scar on his brain. Understand that and we can move on well, his anxiety, frustration and agitation go down instantly. No more Mr. Crotchety Pants.
What This Year Taught Me
It isn’t a new idea. I’ve held it for a long time, but I’ve really dug deep on it this year.
I’m not interested in dealing with pettiness.
I have eliminated relationships that are not synchronous. If you have been a ‘taker’ in my life, I’m not ‘giving’ anymore. I don’t have time for silly games of quid pro quo relationships or those who think I ‘owe’ them something. That isn’t what love is supposed to be about and my life…is ALL about the love. Unconditional love. I’m happy to love you, though from afar. No more emotional tap dancing to try to match the imaginary music in other people’s heads. No matter who you are.
This totally helped me break things down to a ‘keep or dismiss’ mentality.
Everything comes to you with one of two energies: towards your highest life or away from your highest life. Whether it is a person, a job, an activity, a food, an idea or even a location. It is either going to add quality to your life or detract quality from your life. With each decision we make towards our highest experience we make two moves away from our lowest experience. Of course, the reverse is true as well…every move towards our lowest experience results in two moves away from our highest.
I am all about making every move I make count towards my highest experience. No one deserves the right to take me off that path.
So, here’s to a year of growth!
Of not giving in to the fear or victimhood. Of taking chances even though ‘the worst’ had happened. Of not playing small. Of living truth. Of realizing the value of my life, once again.